"I am lost"

What's the point of drinking alcohol at home if you can't get drunk. ;c at least that's what I feel tonight.
For the past days I was happy.
Maybe it was because fall is just around the corner. October, Halloween is so much closer. Maybe it was because the holidays (even though I work right through them) are near. Maybe because a boy gave me somewhat a piece of mind because even though he's not mine...a little piece of him was.
But tonight, now...I'm not happy anymore. I knew it would be short. And I enjoyed the few days of happiness I had. If only I could stop thinking about the negative things as much as I do.
Its funny how one small insignificant thing can change my mood.

purge and rant.

*sigh* I feeling down. I'm feeling jealous. I'm feeling like I need to get my shit together and get this ball rolling so I can stop thinking about how lame my life is. I'm just so sick and tired of a lot of things. I'm sick of friends taking me for granted. I'm sick of being invisible to guys that I'm interested. Yeah, they think I'm cool and "wife material" but just not cool to date. They just need to be hit in the fucking balls and kicked to the curb...along with all those crappy people that say they are my "friends" but they just say hey *looks around* Oh gotta jet but we should totally be BFFs online okay! XD.....=.=...right... Don't get me wrong, there are some people I would love to hang out with that I never get that chance to. I just wish I could. I suck as being a friend. I love love LOVE my friends, I'm there for them in a "in spirit" sense but when it comes to hanging out I just get so stuck in my shell thinking I'll say the wrong thing. heh. I don't get it.
I just want to purge all the crappy stuff in my life. I got tons of clutter that needs to go away.
About my life so far... well I work and I come home. My BFF doesn't talk to me anymore (woo!) and the guy I am interested in, told me he should have dated me. But he's emotionally unavailable and my other friend, well she's busy being all christian like finding solace in Jesus because her guy is a perv. So I sit at home wondering why I can't drink at home and not get yelled at on how I'm going to be an alcoholic if I keep it up. Yup, this is my sad life. Awesome! Jealous? I totally know you are.

I would like to say that I'm mature, that I act the age I am.26 *cringe* However, when it comes to my life, I sometimes feel like I'm not acting my age...ever. I'm shy when it comes to social events like some seven year old and when I get mad I pout and try to give the silent treatment like some twelve year old. Half of the time I feel like everything I'm experiencing right now, I should have experienced it when I was eighteen. Therefore, I feel like I'm still a teenager. Naive and oblivious to how the world really works. It's frustrating. I don't think living with my parents work either. Don't get me wrong. I adore my parents. They are always there for me (something I can't say about most friends) and I do enjoy coming home and hanging out with them from time to time. But, there are days when they treat me like I'm a fifteen year old and I should be scolded because I don't know things. They want me to be an adult but they don't want me to grow up. It doesn't help me. I want to feel like I understand certain situations when I'm being told about them. I want to relate to my peers.
I just don't know how to go about that.

I would just like to say...
You can go to HELL. You don't know what you want and you'll never fucking grow up. You're always going to be that selfish bitch that takes everyone for granted. Well its done, thanks for being such an asshole and leading things on and then just stopping it at a drop of a hat because some lesser version is paying close attention. Bravo. I hope karma hits you hard and I hope it blows up in your face.

urgh.

Don't you hate when you like someone and you're interested in going out with them. I mean you try and be this person that is interested in what they are. You move things around so then you can hang out with them more. Sometimes you even do things you didn't think of doing before. And after all that, they end up telling you they are interested in someone else....
You know at some level they knew you liked them, but I guess they didn't like you enough to actually go out with you. It was just something casual for them when here you thought it might be something more. But that's the catch, only you thought it "might be" and that's where it's you're fault. nobody else.