mo

I wish I was motivated to do things that I'd love to learn about. I'm a fan of baking but I wish I need how to make things out of fondant and all that. *sigh*

Boy I need a big hug.

I wish why I knew why I freaked out. I had it stuck in my head since day one and I slowly became positive that something was wrong with me. I got feared it and I got extremely nervous and now I think everything that is happening to my body is a symptom to some horrible illness. I've become some type of hypochondriac and it will not go away until I go to the doctor and get check for every possible thing that I think I may have. I hope that once that is done I hope that I do not have anything and that this nervous wreck of a person will go away and let me the calm person I was before. There are nights I can't even sleep as much as I want to. I think and dream of what I fear and have to wake up to try to calm myself down.

I hate that I can't talk to my parents about certain things. I had to leave them in the dark for most things going on. It's sad that even now that I'm nearly in my 30s I cannot talk to may parents about certain topics in fear that once they know certain things about me they may judge me emotions and disappointments will be verbalized. Even with my few friends that I have, I was not able to tell them the everything in fear of judgement and repercussions. I miss having that friend that I could say anything to without judgement and would help me through this.

I am glad I have health insurance as crappy as it may be. I will able to see a doctor and get checked up and if possible I might ask for something for my depression.

boys

I hate being lonely.

From time to time, I miss the guy I was seeing. I'm not sure if I miss HIM or just the fact that I miss the somewhat relationship with him. But I think of him and I remember us sitting/laying in bed watching Korean movies and me caressing the lines of his tattoos on his arms. I remember him singing a Spanish pop song that said "I love you so much every day a little more." thinking he can't sing for the life of him but it was totally cute. And then I think of the time he said he was interested in some girl and that we were only friends....

and now,

I have a crush on a guy that I'm pretty sure he is not interested. He seems like a nice guy and like my friend was telling me he's different. Maybe I like the fact that he's a different or it could just be that I like that he's unattainable to me. But for now, I take in the few moments I could stare at him and maybe talk to him and hope maybe one day...

I just wish I could be happy....

"I am lost"

What's the point of drinking alcohol at home if you can't get drunk. ;c at least that's what I feel tonight.
For the past days I was happy.
Maybe it was because fall is just around the corner. October, Halloween is so much closer. Maybe it was because the holidays (even though I work right through them) are near. Maybe because a boy gave me somewhat a piece of mind because even though he's not mine...a little piece of him was.
But tonight, now...I'm not happy anymore. I knew it would be short. And I enjoyed the few days of happiness I had. If only I could stop thinking about the negative things as much as I do.
Its funny how one small insignificant thing can change my mood.

purge and rant.

*sigh* I feeling down. I'm feeling jealous. I'm feeling like I need to get my shit together and get this ball rolling so I can stop thinking about how lame my life is. I'm just so sick and tired of a lot of things. I'm sick of friends taking me for granted. I'm sick of being invisible to guys that I'm interested. Yeah, they think I'm cool and "wife material" but just not cool to date. They just need to be hit in the fucking balls and kicked to the curb...along with all those crappy people that say they are my "friends" but they just say hey *looks around* Oh gotta jet but we should totally be BFFs online okay! XD.....=.=...right... Don't get me wrong, there are some people I would love to hang out with that I never get that chance to. I just wish I could. I suck as being a friend. I love love LOVE my friends, I'm there for them in a "in spirit" sense but when it comes to hanging out I just get so stuck in my shell thinking I'll say the wrong thing. heh. I don't get it.
I just want to purge all the crappy stuff in my life. I got tons of clutter that needs to go away.
About my life so far... well I work and I come home. My BFF doesn't talk to me anymore (woo!) and the guy I am interested in, told me he should have dated me. But he's emotionally unavailable and my other friend, well she's busy being all christian like finding solace in Jesus because her guy is a perv. So I sit at home wondering why I can't drink at home and not get yelled at on how I'm going to be an alcoholic if I keep it up. Yup, this is my sad life. Awesome! Jealous? I totally know you are.

I would like to say that I'm mature, that I act the age I am.26 *cringe* However, when it comes to my life, I sometimes feel like I'm not acting my age...ever. I'm shy when it comes to social events like some seven year old and when I get mad I pout and try to give the silent treatment like some twelve year old. Half of the time I feel like everything I'm experiencing right now, I should have experienced it when I was eighteen. Therefore, I feel like I'm still a teenager. Naive and oblivious to how the world really works. It's frustrating. I don't think living with my parents work either. Don't get me wrong. I adore my parents. They are always there for me (something I can't say about most friends) and I do enjoy coming home and hanging out with them from time to time. But, there are days when they treat me like I'm a fifteen year old and I should be scolded because I don't know things. They want me to be an adult but they don't want me to grow up. It doesn't help me. I want to feel like I understand certain situations when I'm being told about them. I want to relate to my peers.
I just don't know how to go about that.

I would just like to say...
You can go to HELL. You don't know what you want and you'll never fucking grow up. You're always going to be that selfish bitch that takes everyone for granted. Well its done, thanks for being such an asshole and leading things on and then just stopping it at a drop of a hat because some lesser version is paying close attention. Bravo. I hope karma hits you hard and I hope it blows up in your face.