Boy I need a big hug.

I wish why I knew why I freaked out. I had it stuck in my head since day one and I slowly became positive that something was wrong with me. I got feared it and I got extremely nervous and now I think everything that is happening to my body is a symptom to some horrible illness. I've become some type of hypochondriac and it will not go away until I go to the doctor and get check for every possible thing that I think I may have. I hope that once that is done I hope that I do not have anything and that this nervous wreck of a person will go away and let me the calm person I was before. There are nights I can't even sleep as much as I want to. I think and dream of what I fear and have to wake up to try to calm myself down.

I hate that I can't talk to my parents about certain things. I had to leave them in the dark for most things going on. It's sad that even now that I'm nearly in my 30s I cannot talk to may parents about certain topics in fear that once they know certain things about me they may judge me emotions and disappointments will be verbalized. Even with my few friends that I have, I was not able to tell them the everything in fear of judgement and repercussions. I miss having that friend that I could say anything to without judgement and would help me through this.

I am glad I have health insurance as crappy as it may be. I will able to see a doctor and get checked up and if possible I might ask for something for my depression.